


Take a peek

by SouthDrarry



Category: South Park
Genre: Diary/Journal, Eric Cartman Being Eric Cartman, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, a bit of violence, eric cartman is an asshole, kyle needs to chill, mature language, more like a fight, not a patch on South Park though, oblivious boys, usual South Park language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:07:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25727908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SouthDrarry/pseuds/SouthDrarry
Summary: Cartman’s antics push Kyle over the edge, leading to him being forced to take mandatory anger counselling sessions and the completion of a daily journal.What would happen if Stan accidentally stumbles across the journal? Is Kyle’s not-so-secret crush obvious when written in black and white? Maybe. Stan is pretty oblivious after all.
Relationships: Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh
Comments: 10
Kudos: 122





	1. The Catalyst

**Author's Note:**

> So I am here, once more, writing another South Park fan fiction. I can’t get enough of Style it would appear. At the moment it’s incomplete but it only took me a few days to finish the first one so I can’t imagine it will take too long for this. 
> 
> As always, feel free to comment and offer suggestions.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Kyle’s jaw dropped as he took in the surreal scene that stood proudly before him. Cartman had really outdone himself this time; a whole new level of batshit crazy. He appeared to be sat upon a portable, makeshift throne, that was carried by four unfortunate pole bearers who looked to be third graders. It was quite a feat that they were able to carry his weight, Kyle was slightly impressed despite himself.

Stan had finally noticed that his best friend had stopped moving and drew to a halt beside him in the school hallway. Following his gaze, he saw what Kyle had been staring it. “Oh my god. Dude, is he for real?”

“What the fuck are you doing Cartman?” Kyle had hurried over to where his frenemy sat, now eating a bunch of grapes like a Roman emperor. At least he was eating something moderately healthy, the snide comment popped into Kyle’s brain. He stifled a smirk.

Cartman beheld him with smug contempt. “Oh it’s you. What does it look like? I’m having a walk with my loyal subjects. And that’s Your Majesty to you, you filthy Jew.”

“Dude. Don’t be such an ass.” Stan stood up for his friend, interjecting before it got ugly. “Why have you got kids carrying you around like that?”

“Stan. Stan. Stan. Always coming to your boyfriend’s rescue.” Cartman shook his head with false pity. “These guys have simply realised how important I am and have decided to show me the respect I deserve. Now. Are you both going to kneel to your new King?”

“What the hell? Of course we’re fucking not. Come on Stan. Lunch has already started and I want to grab something before all the good snacks are taken.” Kyle pulled at the sleeve of Stan’s jacket, clearly fed up of dealing with Cartman’s bullshit. It was only September, but Cartman had pulled way too many stunts for his patience to remain.

“Yeah Stan… don’t miss your lunch date with your lover!” Cartman called at the two retreating boys as they marched in the direction of the cafeteria. He’d hoped that they would have been more impressed, perhaps he should get himself a crown and robe, he mused idly to himself. His mum would probably make him one if he asked.

A squeaky voice interrupted his musings. “Majesty Cartman, sir? When are you going to give us our lunch money back?”

The kid timidly trailed off upon catching sight of Cartman’s maniacal glare.

“When you do your goddamn job properly! Now carry me to the restroom. My taco Tuesday melt needs urgent attention, and it won’t be pretty.” Cartman commanded authoritatively.

Kyle and Stan were soon joined by Kenny and Butters at their lunch table. Munching into their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches hungrily, they continued their discussion about the bane of their existence. A third grader had let it slip that the kids had had their lunch money stolen. That bastard Cartman was probably extorting them. Kyle fumed.

“Stan, he’s exploiting those kids. It’s wrong.” Kyle implored dramatically. He firmly believed that someone should stop the fat ass, once and for all.

“Dude, I know. But it’s Cartman. What can you do?” Stan shrugged, not wanting to get involved in other people’s business. Cartman sucked, what else was new?

“Mmmhm hmmm.” Kenny’s garbled agreement came, though no one was entirely sure whose response he actually agreed with.

Kyle stood up with impassioned conviction. “This is the problem! Everyone lets him get away with shit. It’s always _oh that’s just Cartman_. I’m sick of it! Someone needs to do something about it!” 

Stan could tell that Kyle was working himself up into a self-righteous frenzy. The jade green eyes had begun to flash dangerously with a scorching heat, his brow furrowed in the most obstinate wrinkle and two spots of amber pooled in his cheeks. The waving arms were also starting to catch attention.

Stan suppressed a sigh. He loved his best friend, he really did, and yeah he agreed with what he said in principle, but he couldn’t work himself up for every cause like Kyle did, he wasn’t a martyr. “Dude. Dude. Chill. We’ll sort something out.” 

“I’ve had enough. I’m doing something right now.” Kyle snapped, flouncing away before Stan or the others could stop him.

Cartman had managed to convince a kid to steal for him, a prop crown and robes from the drama department, by the time that Kyle caught up with him in the playground. He even had a sceptre, which he brandished inanely while he ordered two second graders to fan him with paper fashioned as fans. He drank from an apple juice carton, slurping the contents, before lazily discarded it to the floor. A petrified boy picked it up quickly with a bow, 

“Bring me another.” Cartman commanded, watching as the boy scurried away fearfully, before muttering to himself. “This is sooo sweet. It’s good to be king.” 

Stan and Kenny trailed behind as they watched Kyle march over to where Cartman was still held on his throne. They stood back, ready to jump in if required, they knew it was best to let the fiery red head get stuff off of his chest. They would never hear the end of it otherwise. 

“Cartman! You need to stop whatever the fuck it is you’re doing.” Kyle demanded, his fists bawled up tightly. “Can’t you see that you’ve exploited this kids enough?”

“Exploited? I’ve merely given them the opportunity to join me.” Cartman shrugged. “ You see Kyle, I’m building an army. My loyal soldiers will take over this playground and then you and everyone else will kneel before me as your superior.” 

“You’re not my superior!” Kyle snapped. 

“Of course I am you fucking Jew!” Cartman yelled. “Now get down on your knees like your mom does in the alley behind the Five and Dine.” 

Kyle went white with rage. “What. Did. You. Say?” The pulse in his throat jutted ominously.

Cartman laughed, loving the reaction he was getting as others gathered around to hear the commotion. “You heard me you fag. Get on your knees like your whore mom. If it helps, you can pretend I’m Stan. We all know you’d love that.”   
“I’ll fucking kill you.” Kyle shrieked before he pounced, pushing Cartman from his elevated chair and toppling the screaming children. 

Cartman’s head hit the floor with a resounding thud, but that did not stop Kyle from punching him squarely in the face, blood spilling from his busted nose and lip. The crowd roared frantically, screaming with a heady mixture of revulsion and awe at the brutality. Stan stood shocked. He needed to stop his super best friend before he actually got himself into big trouble. He couldn’t bear if he had to attend school without him. Before he could move a muscle, an alarmed group of teachers came over to break up the incident. 

The rage filled fog lifted with a jolt when Kyle felt his arms being yanked backwards, as he was dragged forcefully from the sobbing and bruised boy beneath him. He felt the mounting horror and guilt of what he had done churn in his stomach. He didn’t even register the splintering pain of his knuckles as he was escorted by two sixth grade teachers into the principal’s office, he just sat, numbly, in shock of what he had done. 

Silent tears rolled down his eyes as he came face to face with a stern faced PC Principal. The man looked like he wanted to rip Kyle in two. 

“Mr Broflovski. You are in big trouble young man.” PC Principal pronounced grimly.


	2. The Consequence

“Why bubbie? Why would you do this?” His mom wailed beseechingly while his dad stood stone faced in the corner of the principal’s office. 

They had arrived moments after he’d been reamed out by PC Principal, and so the scolding had started anew. This time with a whole heaping of heart clenching guilt and shame thrown in. 

Realising that all eyes were fixed on him, awaiting his reply, Kyle spoke up for the first time since he’d been dragged in here. 

“I didn’t mean to! I guess, I just got so angry at what Cartman was saying and I lost it. It won’t happen again.” 

“Too right it won’t. That young man will be lucky if he isn’t seriously injured from what you’ve done. First thing you’re going to do is apologise to him and help him while he recovers from his injuries.” His normally relaxed dad determined with a anger evident in his tone. 

Kyle nodded solemnly. It was the right thing to do, even if it was more than likely going to be hell having to grovel to Cartman. He hoped that he wouldn’t have to be at his beck and call for too long. 

Unfortunately his punishment was about to get worse. PC Principal cleared his throat, drawing Kyle’s attention away from his stricken parents. “Now, I have an idea that may help Kyle. It seems that he’s struggling with his emotions, particularly anger. I think Kyle may benefit from seeing a weekly counsellor for all this year. It can be instead of detention.” 

“You know Gerald, I think the principal has a good idea.” His mom looked at his dad with a nod, wiping her eyes with a white handkerchief. 

“I agree. Just where are we going to get the money for a counsellor?”

“I think I can help you guys with that.” PC Principal announced. “Our school counsellor Mr Mackey will be able to provide Kyle here with a full anger management course. One hour a week to start with.” 

Kyle suppressed a groan. He knew he deserved punishment, but having to spend an hour every week with Mr Mackey for the entire year seemed a bit cruel.

Any remorse Kyle had felt over his actions ended as soon as he saw Cartman’s smug face settled into a smirk as his parents coerced him into making an apology for his actions. Cartman was laid on his sofa, a bowl of chips next to him with a bottle of Mountain Dew. His mom was fretting in the background, asking if her little Eric needed another pillow or blanket. 

Cartman groaned pathetically upon seeing his visitors, exaggerating his whimpers for his audience. Kyle had to stifle an eye roll. He didn’t want to be grounded on top of all the mandatory counselling he had to attend after all. His parents looked pointedly in his direction, as if to say well, get on with it. Kyle drew in a big breath. 

“I’m sorry.” He bit out between gritted teeth. Cartman’s eyes grew even more malicious. 

“What was that Kyle? Sorry I couldn’t quite hear you. I think my ears were injured in the fall earlier.” Cartman let his voice go small, his lip protruding in a minute wobble.” 

“I said I was sorry.” Kyle spoke louder, taking a deep breath to push the annoyance further down. 

“Sorry? What for? I can’t remember you doing much, though I did hit my head earlier today. Maybe my memory was affected.” Cartman fluttered his eyelashes with faux innocence. 

A hand on Kyle’s back startled him, he turned to see that his mother had placed it there. It was no doubt a warning. 

“I’m sorry about hurting you earlier. I got angry and released my emotions in a negative way.” Kyle was reciting the speech he’d been forced to make earlier. “I see that was wrong and I’m getting help. If there’s anything I can do to make amends, let me know.” 

The stilted words that had been pulled from Kyle’s lips were music to Cartman’s ears.  
“I understand Kyle that you have a problem and I’m just grateful you’re getting help.” Cartman smiled. “As a matter of fact, there is something you can do. You see, my injuries are really preventing me from writing my work. I’m going to need your help to do it.” 

“That seems more than fair.” Kyle’s father treacherously offered. “Kyle will make sure your school work doesn’t suffer at all Eric. Won’t you son?” 

Kyle felt his head nod woodenly, refusing to even look at the other boy’s face and the victory he would surely see swimming in those eyes.

“Sweet.” Cartman simply said.


	3. The Counselling

“That proper sucks dude.” Stan bit into a cheese sandwich as Kyle explained his punishment. “Not to like piss you off or anything. But Cartman was bragging to everyone how he’s got you as his bitch for the month.” 

Kyle tried to remember his deep breaths. It was no use getting worked up over it now, he reminded himself. “Figures. I’ve had to agree to help him with writing his work since I caused his injuries.” 

“Hopefully that won’t last too long then.” Stan tried his best at an encouraging smile, but they both knew that Cartman would milk this for as long as possible. That boy could hold a vigil over a paper cut after all. 

The rest of the day passed in a blur of pointless lessons, with only the few bright sparks of his friends’ conversation to lighten the dull monotony. Kyle had readily agreed to hang out with Stan once his first session was through, glad to have something to look forward to. He knew he would have to face the burden of Cartman’s school work later, but for now he was going to be happy chilling with his favourite person, watching him play Guitar Hero or Halo. Sadly, he had an hour to get through first. 

“Kyle! Come on in.” Mr Mackey greeted at his doorway after Kyle had knocked trepidatiously. The office was at always was, plain, simple and devoid of personality. Perhaps it was meant to be calming, Kyle mused. 

Kyle took the proffered seat, and sat uncomfortably in the stifling air of the room. Mr Mackey cleared his throat as he grabbed a file with Kyle’s name on it. It was hard not to wonder what was in there. 

“So Kyle, PC Principal has told me that you’ve been struggling with some anger issues umkay, and would like me to see if we can learn to manage it a little better umkay. So let’s just start off with you explaining in your own words umkay what the problem is?”

“It’s just Cartman you know? He really gets under my skin when he insults my hair or my mom or the fact that I’m a Jew.” 

Mr Mackey appeared to ponder Kyle’s admission for a few seconds. “It seems like you have a lot of unchecked aggression Kyle umkay. Perhaps it would be healthy for you to write your emotions down in a journal every day. See if we can find the source of the trauma umkay.”

“Dude! What? I have to write in a diary every day! I know the source of the trauma. It’s Cartman and his bullying.” Kyle was livid. He did not want to do extra work on top of what he would be doing for his tormentor.

“Now Kyle, I believe you may be using Eric Cartman as a substitution for the real issue that is bothering you umkay. And until we find out what that is, you’ll have to write in your daily log umkay.” 

Kyle just sighed, resisting the urge to bang his head on the desk in front of him. This hour was going to be an eternity, especially since no one ever seemed to listen to him.

Stan was waiting for him outside Mr Mackey’s office when his time was finally up. Kyle couldn’t help the grin that spread on his lips as he took in the surprise that was his super best friend waiting there. For him. 

“Dude, what you doing here? I thought we were just going to meet at your house?” Kyle asked happily. 

Stan nudged him playfully in the shoulder before artfully shrugging. “I know, I know. I just felt like you might use some company after having therapy.” 

“I’m not fucking mental Stan!” Kyle jostled him with his elbow, fighting to keep the smile from his face. “It wasn’t really therapy you know? It was more like Mr Mackey talking at me about his sad life and telling me I have unchecked rage.” 

“Well you are a little feisty Ky!” Stan said laughingly before retreating with his arms held up high in mock surrender as his friend began to advance on him. “Okay, but seriously dude. How was it?” 

“Ugh. Fine. I guess. I do have to write a daily log of my feelings though.” Kyle looked down at the pavement morosely. He really wasn’t looking forward to the introspection. He was happy with his buried feelings, that’s where they belonged. 

“Dude, do you have to write a diary?” Stan teased, a thrill running through him at the blush on Kyle’s face. 

“Shut up dude! It’s not funny. It’s a log anyway!” Kyle protested, although he felt vindicated that his super best friend thought on the same lines as him. It was total bullshit having to do this. 

“Huhuh, whatever you say dude.” Stan jibed, a wave of relaxation washing over him. It felt so good to walk home with Kyle, a sense of carefree contentment he rarely experienced. 

They had just entered Stan’s living room when Mrs Marsh greeted both of the boys warmly. “Oh Kyle, little Eric Cartman dropped off something for you. I put it in Stan’s room on the bed.” 

“Thank you Mrs Marsh.” Kyle said politely, though he was struggling between feeling confused that Cartman had known he was coming here and the dread of whatever it was that he had been brought. 

“No problem Kyle, although I don’t know how many times I’ve said you can call me Sharon.” Stan’s mom smiled. She had always been fond of Kyle’s “super best friend”. He was generally well mannered and kept Stan out of trouble. Well as much as you could in South Park. 

“I’ll make you guys some spaghetti for dinner.” Stan’s mom called to the retreating boys as they thundered upstairs. Only just hearing a chorus of ‘thanks’ in return. She shook her head.

Kyle gaped, coming to a standstill as he saw the monstrous pile of papers on Stan’s bed. Quickly flipping through the sheets, he saw that some were overdue homework from weeks ago. Cartman had ‘helpfully’ left a post it note on top, instructing that Kyle was to complete these for him since he allegedly couldn’t write due to his injury. 

Horror flooded through him as he realised how much work that actually was and how many hours it would take. There was his weekend gone. “That motherfucker.” Was all Kyle could say. Stan could only just nod his head in mute agreement.

“Hey dude, come on, let’s not think about it for a while! I think Terrance and Phillip has a new special on tonight and then I’ll kick your ass at Halo.” Stan tried to disperse the glumness from Kyle’s face, he hated seeing the redhead look so morose. 

Kyle managed a small smile, grateful to have Stan in his life. He had no idea what he’d do without him. “Dude you wish! Come on then, let’s get comfy.” 

The boys took their usual position on Stan’s bed, scooted against the pillows on the furthest edge, barely an inch between them. They were getting far too big to both fit on Stan’s small single, side by side, which meant they often jostled each other while playing or watching. Not that they minded, they had always been close, it was how their friendship worked. Feeling the comforting heat of his super best friend pressed against him, Kyle finally relaxed and took to enjoying his evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t worry this isn’t the full chapter. I just like to write a little bit every day when the muse strikes.
> 
> Edit: Okay, this chapter is done. Apologies that I had a little break. I’ll carry on writing seeing where it goes.


	4. The Closed Book

Kyle had had every intention to not fill in his writing log seriously when it had first been assigned, but to his surprise, he felt he enjoyed the cathartic release of writing his thoughts down. Sure he had Stan, but he wasn’t sure that some of his ugh feelings could be expressed. Plus he wouldn’t want to embarasss himself or bore Stan with yet another rant about the injustices of the world. Namely caused by Cartman.

At first Kyle had been worried that Mr Mackey would read his log, but he’d been swiftly assured at his next session that as long as he could tell that Kyle had been writing in it, Mr Mackey wouldn’t read his personal feelings. That had been a big relief as some of the things Kyle had admitted in that book, just did not bear thinking about.

So, whilst Kyle still had his weekly sessions with Mr Mackey and had to fulfil writing assignments for Cartman, life continued as normal. He hung out with Stan, and sometimes Kenny; he played basketball and spent time with Ike. The latter is what he was doing when he heard his mom’s booming call summoning him.

“Bubbie, Stan’s here for you.” Kyle skipped downstairs at the announcement, surprised as they hadn’t made plans, but happy all the same.

“Sup dude?” Kyle asked, noticing that Stan seemed a little out of sorts.

“We alright to talk in your room?” Stan asked, shuffling his feet in the doorway.

“Sure. Come on up.” Kyle gestured for Stan to follow him, hearing the door close behind him. His room wasn’t meticulously clean, though Stan had seen it at much worse, so he wasn’t embarrassed by it. He just moved some of the clutter from the bed so they could both sit down.

“Wendy broke up with me again.” Stan announced without preamble. Kyle swallowed dryly. He was unsure how to react. On the one hand, he was very secretly glad; he didn’t mind Wendy per se, but he didn’t think she was good enough for his Stan. On the other hand, he really didn’t want to see Stan hurt. He always seemed to be really upset when Wendy inevitably broke up with him.

Feeling the weight of silence in the room, Kyle felt he had to say something quickly. “Oh dude, that sucks how you feeling?”

Stan fixed his penetrating blue eyes upon Kyle’s and heaved a deep sigh. “I don’t know Kyle. I think this time it will be permanent. I’m just fed up of the run around you know? Nothing I do is good enough for her. Maybe I’m just a shitty boyfriend?”

Kyle instinctively placed a comforting hand on his best friend’s wrist. “Don’t be silly dude. You’re a great boyfriend. Anyone would be lucky to have you. Trust me.”

Stan felt his mouth go dry. Uncharacteristically nervous as he locked eyes with Kyle, he felt a blush rising to his cheeks. “Dude…” He began, before a yell from downstairs indicated that Kyle’s mom was calling him.

Kyle sheepishly removed his hand from where it still encapsulated Stan’s wrist. “One sec dude, I’ll see what she wants.”  
Stan tried not to stare too intently as he watched his friend saunter in the direction of the hallway.

Seeing his mom standing in the living room with a hand on her surely expanding hips, Kyle fought to keep the impatience firmly contained within him. He had better things to be doing, like hanging out with Stan. He didn’t want to hear whatever lecture his mom had planned for him.

“Kyle, I know Stan is here. But have you finished your work and the writing tasks for Eric Cartman?”

“Yes mom. I did it as soon as I got them.” Kyle answered glumly, Cartman had deposited a new set of assignments for him, even though he was clearly no longer injured. Kyle hoped these would be the last, even Cartman couldn’t shamelessly milk people’s sympathy for much longer.

“You’re a good boy Kyle.” His mom said fondly and Kyle was suddenly struck with inspiration.

“Mom? Stan has had a rough break up. Can he sleep over tonight? I think he needs me.” Kyle made sure to put through the right level of pleading without being pathetic like Cartman was to his mom.

“Again?” His mom muttered inaudibly, probably something unfavourable about Wendy, before sighing. “Fine Kyle. But you need to make sure Stan’s mom is okay with it, and you’re not to stay up too late!”

Kyle gave his mom a quick grateful hug before thundering back upstairs, stoked to share the news with his super best friend.

Stan had been sitting awkwardly on Kyle’s bed during the discussion between mother and son and had occupied himself by glancing around the room. It was a bedroom he knew well, he’d stayed over here so many nights, but he liked trailing his eyes over Kyle’s belongings, the items conjuring up memories that more than likely involved him. His reminiscing was cut short by his observation of Kyle’s diary or- he still adamantly called it- his reflection log. Stan was immediately filled with a burning curiousity that trembled through his body. Should he read it? A quick glance? Surely it was his duty as Kyle’s super best friend to check he was doing okay?

His moral conscience warred within himself as he knew deep down rage by looking at it, he would be invading Kyle’s privacy. But then, it was just sitting there, beckoning, on the desk? Stan ruffled his hands through his hair, he could still hear the dulcet tones of Kyle’s mom talking to him downstairs so he was unlikely to be caught. Sighing, Stan accepted that he was probably a really bad person, but the urge to read won out and he slipped his fingers deftly through the pages of the book.

There was something comforting about the familiarity of his friend’s handwriting, the style of which he’d always admired. It was much neater than his own, then again he often just scrawled his ideas down in a frantic hurry when he had them. He’d never been as precise nor as meticulous as Kyle. Flipping to the most recent entry, yesterday’s date, he read with an ear to the door.

**_Dear Log,_ **

****

**_I might as well admit this is a diary, the guys make fun of me enough anyway about it. Today at lunch, the fat ass asked me if I was going to write in my diary about my period and everyone laughed. I hope Mr Mackey is happy. Cartman is just loving this! He keeps giving me smug glances and smirking when he offloads yet more goddamn work on me. Keeping my anger in check is goddamn difficult. I’m really working hard on not giving in to my ‘baser’ emotions as Mr Mackey calls them._ **

****

**_It’s just so fucking frustrating, I’m trapped because they have no clue how I feel._ **

****

**_I can’t tell them. Yeah it might be healthier to be honest. But I know it would honestly ruin everything so for now I’ve just got to grin and bear it. And hope that the fat ass doesn’t piss me off too much in the meantime. It’s hard to deal with his shit when I’m already dying of a broken heart. Oh my god I really am turning into a girl, or at least a goth. This best be enough to keep Mackey off my back, thank god he doesn’t actually read it._ **

****

**_Mood rating: 6 /10 Mood emotion: Frustration_ **

Stan’s eyes were wide in disbelief as he finished processing this entry. Kyle was dying of a broken heart? Who did he like? He’d never said anything to him. And Kyle always told him about his crushes, Rebecca, Lesley, Nichole etc. So why not now? Stan would support him no matter what. So it had to be someone Kyle thought he wouldn’t approve of. Maybe it was Wendy? They were both really smart, passionate people, and Wendy being his on/off again girlfriend would sort of make her off limits to Kyle. The thought of those two together made Stan feel sick. 

Before he could dwell on the stomach churning notion of Kyle with Wendy for too much longer, Stan heard the distinct footsteps of his friend pounding up the stairs to his room. Stan quickly returned the diary, making sure it was in the correct place, then assumed a nonchalant position on his friend’s bed as Kyle burst in. 

“Hey dude, I managed to get my mom to let you stay over tonight.” Kyle had an easy grin on his face, completely incongruous to the thoughts Stan had just read. 

Stan shrugged. “Oh that’s great.” It was all he could manage. All he could think was that he needed to know who Stan liked. If only to make sure it wasn’t Wendy. God, how was he going to bring it up? Maybe he could just read more entries of the book and see if Kyle revealed it. 

Sensing the lacklustre response, Kyle turned to Stan with concern. “Dude, are you okay? I know you’re bummed out about Wendy, but you know you’ll end up back together. You always do.” 

Stan felt his friend’s hand on his, placed as a reassuring gesture. Looking into those jade green eyes, he tried to gauge if Kyle was secretly pining for Wendy, or not. It was hard to tell, all he could see was the sincerity and compassion of his super best friend as their eyes met. Realising, he’d just been staring into Kyle’s eyes, Stan blushed and tried to compose himself. It was time to act natural. “Thanks man, like I said. I’m not sure if we will this time. I just need to spend time with my super best friend and I’m sure I’ll cheer up.” 

“Alright. Well how about I see if my mom will order us a pizza and we play World of Warcraft for a bit? You can text your mom and see if she’s alright with you staying at mine. If you want to that is?” Kyle seemed a little unsure still. 

“Of course dude.” Stan smiled, ignoring the increase to his heart rate. He just had to wait till Kyle was asleep now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of this chapter... next chapter Stan is going to read a lot of Kyle’s log entries.


	5. The Clueless Boy

Stan felt an uncomfortable squirming in his stomach as the minutes ticked by slowly until Kyle announced he was too tired and wanted to go to sleep. Dutifully, he settled into his sleeping bag on the floor trying to ignore his elevated heart rate. The whole house was thrumming with background noise as Stan waited to hear the telltale signs of Kyle’s deep breathing and adorable nose whistles that signalled he was fast asleep.

Finally, it was time. Stan slowly unzipped the sleeping bag, cringing at the squeal in the stifling silence, and made his way tentatively to where the book still laid. The moonlight shone through Kyle’s window, allowing him to read if he squinted hard enough. Mindful of being caught out, Stan quietly delved into his sleeping best friend’s inner thoughts.

The first entry had Stan smiling.

**_Dear Stupid Journal,_ **

****

**_I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. Because of that fat ass I’ve now got goddamn mandatory counselling like I’m some kinda psycho when it’s him that needs therapy. No one else seems to see it. Not even Stan. That tub of lard is always messing with people and he needs to be stopped. I swear to fucking god I will. Shit. I am meant to be writing in this to analyse my emotions or whatever. Well my emotion at the moment is pissed off at Cartman and if I can get revenge on the fat ass, so much the better._ **

****

**_Fuck you._ **

****

****

**_Mood rating: 1/10. Mood emotion: Enraged_ **

****

****

****

****

Sometimes Kyle’s anger really did amuse Stan, he loved how fiery and passionate he could be about things, and to be honest he did have a point. Cartman really was a low key sociopath. And that was just the things they knew about. He flipped forward further, engrossed by all of Kyle’s words.

**_Dear Log,_ **

****

**_I’m still slaving away doing all of Cartman’s tasks. My hands are killing me from having to write up that asshole’s notes. Still, at least it provides me a distraction. I really need to stop thinking about well it. But god it’s so hard. I mean I can’t not. I really am a little bit too obsessed. Even bloody Ike has noticed. He’s way too smart for his age, he keeps giving me knowing looks whenever I mention them. I can’t even write their name, how pathetic is that? I’m just scared if I admit it to myself, on paper, then it’ll be real and I’ll be screwed. At least more than I am already. Plus there’s chance the fatass will steal this journal and then he’ll be insufferable if he knew who I’m pining for. Ugh pining. I guess it’s official then. I blame this journal, forcing me to face my feelings. It’s just I can’t help it. I love seeing him smile. It gives me legit goosebumps and I feel like I’m going to vomit. That’s not normal if I just thought of him as a friend right? I can’t lie to myself anymore._ **

**_This sucks._ **

****

**_Mood rating: 4/10 Mood emotion: Pathetic mess_ **

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Stan had to stifle the gasp that threatened to escape his trembling lips. A guy? Kyle liked a guy? Fuck. Well it ruled out Kyle’s secret crush being Wendy at least. So why did Stan feel so floored? He didn’t think he was homophobic, but all his mind could think was what? What? What? On repeat. In a loop. That and a desperate yearning to find out who. Kyle has mentioned he was friends with this guy, perhaps he was on the basketball team? Kevin? Clyde? Token? Stan had to admit Token had a lovely smile if he thought about it. All pearly white and straight. That and he was rich. And pretty smart. Token would be a good match for Kyle, Stan thought with guilty dismay.

The roaring in Stan’s ears continued painfully while he searched frantically for more mentions of this mysterious guy. Every word of Kyle’s that mentioned _him_ dropped woodenly in Stan’s chest. Feeling slightly sick, he closed the book with a painful thud.

Sleep came fitfully to Stan as images of Kyle kissing Tolen danced through his dreams. The knots in his stomach writhed around, he chalked it up to the worry of losing his super best friend to an unknown boyfriend. If Kyle went out with someone then he’d have couple secrets, secrets that he didn’t share with Stan. Plus he’d have to make time to go on dates with the wretched guy. What’s if they came between them? It just made Stan so furiously desperate that he contemplated going back to the bottle. The thoughts stewed within him until eventually exhaustion overcame him. 

Morning dawned and Kyle wiped at his eyes blearily as a small smile crept along his face at the sight before him. Stan was laid flat on his back, his mouth slightly agape with drool. The dark, thick eyebrows that framed his face was furrowed with tension. Kyle wished he could ease whatever was troubling his friend. He wondered if it was Wendy trouble. It was hard to fathom the pain he felt at Stan being crushed again and again by that toxicity. The cycle of hope and despair never ending. 

He sharply drew his gaze away from his supline friend as he heard him stir. A groggy mumble and clearing of his throat was Stan’s morning greeting to the world. 

“You alright dude?” Kyle called from his bed, watching Stan shuffle out of his sleeping bag and emerge like a hibernating grizzly bear. 

“Yeah dude.” Came Stan’s brusquely grunted reply. Kyle wasn’t concerned with his friend’s unsociable answer, a morning person Stan was not. 

Shrugging to himself, Kyle decided it would be best to just get on with the day, he knew from experience that after a break up, Stan could be maudlin and it was best not to push him till he was ready. 

“Dude, shall we see if mom will fix us up from pancakes? I think she’s in a good mood, she’s singing that Fleetwood Mac song again?” Kyle stood by the door with an encouraging smile. 

“No. I think I’ll just head home.” Stan stared past him, voice tinged with an inscrutable emotion. Kyle could only just stare at him in shock for a few seconds.   
“What? Dude you never leave this early?” 

Stan, still continuing in that same eerily toneless voice simply said. “Yes well, I’ve things to do. See you at school dude.” 

Still shocked, Kyle could only watch his friend leave and shut the door firmly behind him. What the hell had happened? Like yeah he might be upset about Wendy but that hadn’t stopped them hanging out before. What was different now? Kyle resolved to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to update. I needed a bit of motivation to be honest. But I’m back on track. This chapter isn’t finished but is almost.


	6. The Confrontation

Stan glared as he moodily bit into his sandwich. He felt anger rise in him steadily as he watched Kyle grin at a joke Token had made to the rest of the basketball squad as they entered the canteen. More and more, Stan could feel his temper rising at the whole situation, to the point where he had begun snapping waspishly at his innocent friends. He couldn’t help himself though. He just felt so angry all the time. Maybe he needed counselling with Mr Mackey too. 

“You alright Stan?” Kenny’s barely audible murmur came from beneath his parka coat, taking Stan’s attention away from Kyle momentarily. 

“Yeah Stan, who pissed on your side of the bed this morning?” Cartman gleefully asked, ever happy when someone was feeling glum.

“That doesn’t even make sense you douche.” Stan simply sighed returning his attention back to Kyle and the group of guys laughing uproariously in their basketball kit. 

Cartman, clearly following the direction of Stan’s gaze, looked on knowingly, a glint of understanding in his eyes. “Oh I see Stan… You’re jealous your precious Jew girlfriend is with some other guys. Don’t worry, I bet his whore mouth is used to servicing lots of guys, there’s plenty to go around.” 

“Shut the fuck up you fat retard. You’ve no idea what you’re on about!” Stan yelled hotly, trying to keep the bubble of panic that was rising from popping in his chest. He wasn’t jealous. He wasn’t. 

Stan’s inner turmoil was cut short by the appearance of his super best friend. “What the fuck did the fat ass say now?” Kyle asked, knowing the outburst could have only been caused by one thing. Cartman. 

“Mind your own goddamn business!” Stan lashed out, his vision going red as he grabbed his bag and stormed from the cafeteria door. He was sick of it all. Sick of feeling gut wrenchingly ill every day, sick of the icy heat of resentment in his spine when he saw Kyle with someone else, sick of feeling like a second class loser. Stan sprinted down the corridors until he reached the boy’s bathroom. He sat sullenly in an empty cubicle, his legs crossed upon the porcelain toilet and head resting in his folded up arms. He wanted to cry. Or at least hit something.

Kyle had texted Stan repeatedly to no avail. The dark haired boy had left so suddenly after his outburst, that Kyle had had barely enough time to process it before he’d disappeared. Something was clearly troubling his super best friend, and Kyle had no idea what. It couldn’t just be Wendy could it? As much as it would kill him inside, Kyle resolved that he’d get the two back together if it made Stan smile again. He lived for those smiles. 

Finally, after checking out the usual haunts, he gave the boy’s bathroom a try. He should have gone there first, but he liked to avoid the area. Boys’ toilets were never a great place to visit if you could help it. A cubicle was conspicuously locked with no usual bathroom sounds emenating from it and Kyle thought it best to try his luck. 

“Stan. Is that you? Are you in there?” He knocked tentatively. Silence. Whoever was in there was clearly ignoring him. 

“Look dude. I’m just looking for my friend so can you answer me anyway. Are you Stan?” Kyle spoke louder, losing patience rapidly. 

Silence still reigned from the stall, other than a surreptitious sniffle and a discreet shuffle. Kyle leant his head against the door in frustration. He knew Stan could be stubborn. “Stan! It’s obviously you. Just come out and tell me what’s wrong? What’s got you so mad that you’re being such a dick?” 

Stan snapped, unlocking the door with such surprising force that Kyle nearly fell on top of him. “I’m a dick? Maybe you should just hang out with Token and your basketball buddies since they’re so much better than me?!” 

Kyle stood slack jawed as he witnessed Stan folding his hands defiantly and yell utter nonsense about his basketball team. “What do you mean? I’ve never said that the basketball team are better than you. And what’s this about Token?” 

“Don’t give me that! I saw you laughing with him! I know you want him to be your boyfriend. Go ahead and replace me then.” Stan fought hard to keep the tears that had sprung from his eyes, from rolling down his face. 

“What??!” Kyle would deny shrieking later to anyone that asked. “What makes you think I like Token like that?” 

“I don’t think Kyle. I know. I read about it in your diary.” Stan pushed past his friend, shoving himself forward as he tried to contain the hurt in his voice from leaking outwards, “So if you’ll excuse me, I’ll leave you to your romance.” 

Kyle stood once more in stunned silence in the foul smelling bathroom, he stared at the empty urinais before muttering to himself. “Wait? He read my diary? That bastard.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got more to add to this chapter


	7. The Conclusion

Stan sat on his bed, throwing a ball rhythmically at the wall, soothed by the slapping bounce as it smacked with the force he felt. His mom had taken one look at him when he had returned from school and had made him hot cocoa and left him to mope with the quiet reassurance that she would be there for him when he was ready to talk. His dad on the other hand had said the same meaningless and inane shit that usually spewed from his mouth. Even if he weren’t confused, his dad’s advice would have bewildered him anyway. 

He just didn’t understand what he was feeling. His chest hurt and he felt on the brink of crying all the time. He had realised that he felt jealous. But of what still baffled him. Kyle had had other friends before, why would having a boyfriend be that different? He just hated the thought of Kyle being like that with anyone else, holding someone else’s hands, kissing someone else’s mouth…. Wait. What? Why was he picturing Kyle and him kissing? Why did he kind of like it? 

His internal panic was cut short by the slow opening of his bedroom door. Stan groaned inwardly when he saw who it was. Kyle. His friend stood there nervously in the doorway and Stan longed to burrow his head underneath his pillow; his racing heart beat and flushed cheeks made his embarrassment oh so more obvious. 

“You know you’re a dick for reading my diary dude.” Kyle began snippily.

“I thought it was a reflection log?” Stan couldn’t help but interrupt. 

“Oh shut up asshole. You know what I meant. Anyway, why did you read it Stan? It was meant to be private.” 

“I dunno, I’m sorry dude. I guess I read a little bit about you liking someone and I wanted to know who it was. I couldn’t help myself.” Stan shrugged morosely, feeling the mattress beneath him dip as Kyle took a seat next to him on the bed.

“You know I don’t like Token like that right?” Kyle said in a small voice. “I thought it would be obvious who I liked to anyone who’d read what I’d put.” 

“What? Really? You talked about the guy you like and how you like his smile and hanging out with him. Token seems the type.” 

“Wow you really are dumb. It’s a good job you have a pretty face.” Kyle jokes with a semi serious gleam to his eyes. 

“You think I have a pretty face?” Stan was struck breathless by the compliment before remembering his mission to find out who it was that Kyle liked. “So wait, who is it that you like?” 

This question seemed to annoy Kyle who promptly sighed dramatically, muttering under his breath; “For god’s sake.” Suddenly the red haired boy pulled Stan closer towards him, cupping his face in the warmth of his hands and pressing his lips sweetly against his. It lasted one, maybe two seconds but the tingling feeling lingered on Stan’s lips long after Kyle had pulled away. 

“Does that answer your question?” Kyle demanded of the blue eyed boy that stared gasping at him. 

“Erm I think so dude… but maybe I need another to make sure. I’m very stupid after all.” Stan smiles shakily, the puzzle pieces in his brain finally slotting together into one giant OH. He now understood what had been missing until now, and he was eager to keep hold of it. 

Kyle smiled shyly in return before replacing his lips against Stan’s gently. “Yeah, but you’re my idiot.” 

Stan could only happily agree with that statement before his mind was occupied elsewhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally completed!


End file.
